What am I supposed to do?
or feel?
or pray?

I know you are here
but where?
and why?
can’t I feel
Your touch
or hear
Your words?

anguish
floods my eyes
this heart releases
a deep outcry

To know my Father
be wrapped in Light
hear Him whisper
bare His delight

~afebuaryporchreflection

Oh Majesty unspeakable, my soul desires to behold Thee.
I cry to Thee from the dust.
Yet when I inquire after Thy name, it is secret.
Thou art hidden in the light which no man can approach unto.
What Thou art cannot be thought or uttered, for Thy glory is ineffable. Still, prophet and psalmist, apostle and saint have encouraged me to believe that i may in some measure know Thee.
Therefore, I pray, whatever of Thyself Thou has been pleased to disclose, help me to search out as treasure more precious than rubies or the merchandise of fine gold: for with Thee will I live when the stars of the twilight are no more and the Heavens have vanished away and only Thou remainest.  -Amen.

The daily life without meaning is like coffee without cream and sugar…you can drink it, and some have grown accustomed to it, but it is a bitter cup.

When someone utters the word ‘daring’ there are a multitude of thoughts that rush into the brain.  I see a barrage of extreme sports, a socially brazen person, sky diving, a bull, and a masked man for some reason.  But as I think of us being daring in this life, I more mean that I want to dare our lives to be uneventful.  Sure life is full of the common, the very drab, it’s the nature of the beast.  It’s the nature of life within the curse.  However, and a large however this will be, we are citizens of a Kingdom free from that curse.  A Kingdom of love and joy and depth and color, a Kingdom teeming with life and meaning.  This is why we dare now.  We dare ourselves to live like we belong to that Kingdom even now, because friend, sister, we most certainly do.

So Haley, I propose a 2 by 2 adventure together.  An adventure where we put on colorful rain coats and boots and head out into the storm called LIFE.  With pen and paper in hand, I propose we write something together that points to the Architect and Builder of that City that we belong to.  I say we, ‘go tell it on the mountain, over the hills, and everywhere’.  I say we tip up our glasses in daring gratitude to the One who continues to fill ours.

~Your dove friend

Come, let us return to the LORD.
For He has torn us,
and He will heal us;
He has wounded us,
and He will bind up our wounds.
He will revive us after two days,
and on the third day
He will raise us up
so we can live in His presence.
Let us strive to know the LORD.
His appearance is as sure as the dawn.
He will come to us like the rain,
like the spring showers that water
the land.

So as I’ve already told you, I’ve been listening to this song on repeat for weeks now. It’s called “Burn Us Up,” by Shane & Shane. And it’s been one of those songs that sneaks up on me. You know the kind I’m talking about. Where you hear the lyrics and you hear the words… but it takes particular circumstances for you to fully understand what it’s really all about. Well, I was driving down to Florida when I felt like God was calling me to be quiet. And as usual, I hesitated, then griped about Him interrupting my singing-and-dancing drive time. Especially when I didn’t have anything particular to discuss. Or so I thought.

Well immediately I started talking to Him about all of the weight I’ve been feeling over the past few weeks. About my sister’s broken engagement, my family’s broken history hunting me down, and the intense loneliness I’ve felt. Which is about the time I started to cry. Much like your “When-I-see-a-truly-Good-man” cry… tears just came pouring out of my eyes and streaming down my face. I told Him that I needed Him to make Himself known through this really uncertain, really messy part of my life. And I wasn’t yelling at God. But just reminding Him (ha, good one) that He created me to be someone who feels love through physical touch. Yet I don’t feel as though I can truly feel His presence because I can’t physically touch Him. And how if I could just hug Him… life’s pain would just fade away. And there came that deep cry I’ve been experiencing so often this past year.

I continued chatting a bit longer; Laying everything out on the table (As if He didn’t already know it). This went on for a while before I eventually turned back on the music and was listening to some of the IHOP praise (anti-climactic I know). You know the ones: “Where I Belong,” and “Holy.” It was during the second song when I was surrounded by the most insane lightning storm I’ve ever seen. Completely hemmed in from the front and the back by massive bolts of lightning, crashes of thunder, and torrential downpours. I thought surely God was going to bring me Home right then and there (My hands looked seriously messed up after all the steering wheel gripping I was doing). But once I was finally on dry roads and not shaking like crazy, the CD switched over to the one with, “Burn Us Up.”  So I turned it up and was singing along with it when it came to the end and they sang, ” You are able to deliver. From the fire of affliction. It’s the declaration of my Lord. You’re not an image of Gold, You’re the God of old. You have made us. Come and save us.  We are Yours…”

Then they simply say, “But even if You don’t… We will burn.”

And immediately I started to cry weep.

I’ve heard the story before. About Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego (Daniel Chapter 3). Of how they faced certain death if they refused to bow to the golden image King Nebuchednezzar had constructed. But all three refused and were sentenced to burn. To death. In a furnace.  He even ordered the furnace to be 7 times hotter than it usually was and then had all three men bound and thrown into the fire. Yet when he looked into the furnace, they were standing without restraint, and there was a fourth man with them. And the form of the fourth was like the Son of God.

The commentary I read said that the three men may not have been aware that the Son of God stood with them in the flames.

That is why I think those particular lyrics in that song affect me so much.  Because these men faced inevitable death. And they knew it. But because they loved the Lord and trusted Him and believed in Him… No matter the outcome… They were willing to take the risk. Of death! They knew that their God was capable of rescuing them, but they also knew that saving them may not have been in His plan. But they trusted Him. So they let Nebuchednezzar have them bound and thrown into the furnace. In fact, they practically welcomed it. Regardless of whether they felt God with them there or not. They knew what they had to do, and they did it.

And that is why those tiny words cut me to the core.

“But even if You don’t… We will burn.”

So here are the questions I’ve been asking myself…

Who is this God that I serve?

Hmm.

Is He trustworthy?

Yes.

Is He believable?

Yes.

Is He faithful?

Heck yes.

Well then, can He save me from my life’s fire?

Yes.

Will He?

Maybe.

But.

Maybe not.

So Haley, daughter of Christ, will you brave the fire anyway? Regardless of whether or not He pulls you from the flames? Even if you must endure the pain and heartache that this world brings? Will you trust Him? Will you raise your hands and sing anyway?

Yes, Lord. My Love, my Life, my Savior. I will praise You anyway.

Oh God of old, won’t You throw me in the fire?

Jesus said, wait with me.  But the disciples slept.

The cricket has such splendid fringe on its feet,
and it sings, have you noticed, with its whole body,
and heaven knows if it ever sleeps.

Jesus said, wait with me.  And maybe the stars did,
maybe the wind wound itself into a silver tree,
and didn’t move,
maybe
the lake far away, where once he walked as on a
blue pavement,
lay still and waited, wild awake.

Oh the dear bodies, slumped and eye-shut, that could not
keep that vigil, how they must have wept,
so utterly human, knowing this too
must be a part of the story.

~Mary Oliver

Am I right, or am I right?

.

In Your surrender,
As You laid down Your life
You took up a sinner’s cross,
And Your life rescued mine

In this redemption,
Love and mercy displayed
You lifted my eyes to see,
That your truth never fails

Lord of the heavens,
King of all days
Without You my world slips away
Redeemed by Your mercy
Consumed by Your grace
Now I live for You

I’m found in the arms of love
For Your love it saved my soul
I run to Your arms of love
Your light’s gonna lead me home

Glorious Saviour,
In your light I am free
The things of this world will fade
Still you are all that I need

And at your cross
I lay my burdens
At your feet
Where your love covers
All I’ve done
Now I walk with you, Lord

I’ll walk with you, Lord
I’ll walk with you, Lord
I’ll walk with you, Lord

I’m found in the arms of love
For Your love can save my soul
I run to Your arms of love
Your light’s gonna lead me home

Words & Music by Dylan Thomas